Warning: Cluttered Thoughts
Am I invisible? Overbearing? Do people see me as I am, or do they see me as somebody else? Perhaps they don’t see me at all. Sometimes I don’t even see myself; or refuse to see myself. I can’t take this anymore. I just have to write something to put a name to how I feel right now. I know this, have felt this several times; just can’t put my finger on it. Darn! I feel isolated, desolated, deserted…whatever! I can’t find the right word. Whatever it is, I know it’s not good. I guess I’m just slightly depressed. Depressed about what? That, again, I do not know. Obviously, I can’t think straight.
Maybe there is no drama. Maybe I’m just making things up. Maybe it’s only hormones creating this emotional havoc. After all, I’m a happy person. I try to recall memories, and indeed, I see myself smiling and laughing a lot, even talking a lot. To a point, I look stupid. Maybe those times that I was talking and smiling, I should’ve shut up and appeared somber. Yet, tonight—just for tonight—I don’t care. Or maybe even until tomorrow morning, I still won’t care.
See, I’m like Wolverine. I easily heal—on the inside, that is. I seem to have an endless capacity to amuse myself. I see the humor in every situation, even if it be the direst of circumstances. In fact, I find people who easily panic, who make a big deal out of things or are overly serious quite irksome. They vex me. I remember when we were almost robbed, it sure as hell alarmed us, but after which we (ma+pa+bro+myself) simply joked and laughed about it. I get stressed, but easily recover. Even after a tough exam or a make-or-break something, I blow off steam by joking and laughing. Then again, I don’t wanna be Wolverine. I wanna be Jean Gray. Not only do two handsome men—mutants, I mean—pine after her, she also has this sexy coolness which I don’t see myself having in a hundred years. Talk about putting one’s self down. Still, I wanna be Jean Gray; the drama revolves around her.
Darn, now I can’t concentrate anymore coz mama sat in the sofa beside the computer (and even looks at me once in a while), and I simply, simply can’t emote or show any sign of depression whatsoever in front her. What can I do? I’ve always been the hard-headed, acerbic, tough-as-medium-rare-beef and smart-alecky daughter. Besides, showing emotion is not part of family tradition. I’m just pretending right now to be writing a project since it usually is the only reason why I glue myself in this chair in front of the PC. My mood is broken, and now that I can’t think of anything else. I better resign myself to bed. I should have not put myself through this in the first place. Better sleep and forget about everything. Goodness, I hope I did not waste somebody else’s time.
P.S. Notice how many “I”s I’ve used in this entry? Sometimes I wonder if I’m egocentric. Maybe I am! Then again, I refuse to be concerned for now. I warned, didn’t I?
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